Entry 26 Dec: reading the '24 entries

wow, I cringed reading some of those entries. i forgot how angry i was at the time. i had a lot of hate, a lot of pain. it's a pain that i don't have at the time of writing this, even though my life has only marginally improved. moved back in with my parents, drowning in debt, and short on work hours most of the time. but i'm not as suicidal. i'm not tormented by intrusive thinking, my mind is quiet. i'm so dumbfounded, im waiting for the downward trend. but so far it hasn't come.
i've started taking lithium as of 12/12, and i'm currently on a 3 times per day schedule. it's done wonders, in my opinion. i don't have any bad symptoms. the constant tingling feeling under my skin is virtually gone, where it used to rub my nerves raw to the point of shutdown. the screaming voices that parrots the words of my father keep getting quieter, and now they rumble sporadically, at a whisper. i've virtually stopped drinking alcohol since my physician and i partnered up sixish weeks ago. only a few times during the holidays and never binged once since starting. this is so different from the person i was when i wrote those 2024 entries. back when i thought i was doomed to never find peace.
a bit melodramatic, but he was avoiding himself then. he didn't want to think about the truth of our childhood, or about finding joy as a neurodivergent person and not in spite of it, or about how finding happiness may mean leaving my father behind. i still have so much to work on, but i don't know what i want to do with my life yet.
i guess for now, i'll be happy for where i am now. because it sure is a hell of a lot better than where i was before.

Signoff: Listening to Quinton Reviews "The Failure of Victorious". Right now he's on the season 1 finale. I need to stop listening to this fucking guy-